The probe of horror.

Know what's awkward? Semen checks.

Having to do that to any animal is awkward, but doing it to bulls... it's probably the most awkward thing I've ever experienced. I'm slowly becoming desensitized, so hopefully it won't phase me soon, but as of now: I still shudder every time I think about it.

Never experienced a semen check? Don't worry! I'll fill you in on all the gory details...

Imagine a massive, beefy bull caught in a head chute (I've talked about these before).

Like this. Except this is obviously not a bull. So imagine a much larger, stockier creature.

Then imagine a couple of old farmers standing around, watching and waiting and discussing matters of the cattle farming nature. Sometimes they even bring their wives, who generally just watch.

Now the vet comes in and sticks his/her arm into the bull's anus. Normally there isn't a huge reaction during this part. It's just the vet massaging around in there for a little bit, and sometimes a tech will use this opportunity to measure the scrotal circumference.

So the bull has kinda been stimulated, it's slightly aroused, and it's time to bring in the big guns.

This is an electro-ejaculator probe. That just sounds terrifying. By the way, this thing is bigger than my arm.

Yep, that frightening contraption goes into the bull's anus (along with a great deal of lube). And then it stimulates him. Electrically. With waves of shocks, basically. And the bull arches its back and makes these horrible "merrrrrrrr"ing noises and grunts. You can feel his discomfort and violation. Your own butt starts to hurt.

You are privy to these sensations, but apparently, the farmers aren't. They just stand there, still watching. Still nonchalantly chatting about the sale barn. That's probably the worst part. I mean, yeah, watching a bull painfully "getting off" is bad enough, but watching it with a bunch of old men? Ugh.

It's even worse when the bull is a "virgin bull". It's even more worse when the old men make comments about it throughout the whole thing ("Yep, he's a virgin.. bet he's gonna like this..." and, "Look at him; he's enjoying that.."). It's pretty sick.

Within a matter of seconds, the semen is collected and "The Violator" is removed (covered in poop and blood). Then the vet makes a slide and does a count to see how viable (and therefore, sell-able) the bull is for breeding. Usually the bull collapses as soon as the probe of horror is slid out of his anus, and you can see the exhaustion, embarrassment, degradation, violation, etc. all over his face. It's so sad.

There are other ways to collect semen from a bull, but this (unfortunately) is the only way I've seen it done firsthand. It sucks that things like this are part of veterinary medicine (the painful method, I mean.. the semen collecting itself doesn't really bother me). It really sucks that I will have to be the one inflicting this kind of pain at some point in my career. I hate it, but I remember that the good I can do as a vet will greatly outweigh these not-so-good things.